Sunday, November 30, 2014

Decking the Halls with Birchbox Man

You're on the internet. You're always open.

Fa la lalala you filthy animals. That’s right it’s that time of month again where I can tout my superior grooming techniques for all seven of my readers. I pay some company money and they send me a bunch of cutesie samples in the mail every month. Then, get this, the BRIBE me to write reviews of the products with points that I can use to get discounts in their store. This month’s reviews are crucial because A) it’s Christmas and I have to get my lady friend (wife) some fancy lotions and B) these reviews will put me over the 500 point mark before the year ends which will qualify me for their VIP “Aces” program. So, let’s get started.

The goods.

The official smell of Fort Knox

English Laundrey Notting Hill Cologne: Well well well, English Laundry, what a surprise! Those of you that have read previous reviews may have noticed that this brand is pretty much a standard. Just from their cologne line I’ve received at least 5 samples. That being said, they’re still a quality brand and one of the only ones that I’ve actually made a full sized purchase from. This Cologne, for starters, comes in a gold colored sample container. That, so despite it’s scent, despite anything about it I already felt like Scrooge McDuck getting ready to be covered in sweet, sweet gold. Thankfully, this stuff smelled better than money. While it, of course, gave my wife an asthma attack, she managed to gasp out that she otherwise enjoyed the smell. The scent has a lot going on, but not overwhelmingly so. With a quick spritz you too can envelop yourself in a cloud of gold dust that smells like the manliest lemon grove you’ve ever encountered.

I don't care that it's a sawdust covered cough drop, I'm in love with it!

Ernest Supplies Awake and Exfoliate Body Bar: There is nothing more inconvenient in life than having to put liquid soap onto a washcloth. You’re literally wasting your time, which as it turns out is eerily similar to wasting money, by taking the step of applying goop to a piece of fabric before rubbing it over your body. Oh sure! you could just put the soap on your hands and wash that way, but you know as soon as you’re under running water it’s all going to slip out of your hand and you’ll essentially just be washing with tap water. Maybe others won’t know just how low your lack of hygiene has sunk, but you’ll know. It’s a round-about way of saying it, but my point is I love bar soap. Ernest Supplies offering this month is the best I’ve tried. Imagine that a first rate soap making factory was next to a sawdust factory (probably a real thing) and there was a freak accident where the two accidently combined their products….and both were made better by it. This bar of soap smells like a cough drop that was accidentally spit out in a Christmas tree lot and got a bunch of pine needles stuck to it (I think I have a problem conveying positive imagery...point being, it smells good). The bar has bits of not-quite-sawdust embedded into it that gives an exfoliating feel to it without killing fish like those plastic bead exfoliants. It’s an invigorating smell and feel that will allow you to wash WITHOUT a washcloth.

Pomade is very, very different from lemonade. 

Hanz de Fuko Modify Pomade: I embarrassed myself last week by blubbering on about how much I liked the Hanz de Fuko sponge wax pomade that came in my last birchbox… I like this one even better. This stuff has an even lighter hold to it and is far easier to apply to your hair. You can’t expect to have Johnny Bravo-like waves, but you can have that “I just got out of the shower” look all day long, which looks great and also gives the illusion that you showered. The application process is painless and not greasy. The stuff easily spreads even in cold weather and manages to blend in nicely with wet hair. I have yet to try it with dry hair, but I imagine it will be a lot easier than my current pomade of choice. Scent-wise it’s not overbearing nor unpleasant, just a faint clean smelling pomade that’s the easiest to use out of any I’ve received thus far and my current favorite.  
If someone fears a pirate with one eye-patch, imagine how they'll fear me with TWO eye-patches!

Recipe for Men Under Eye Patches: The last time I ventured out to try an under-eye product I was at the AHAVA factory near the Dead Sea in Israel. They had a number of samples out and, after trying out the most expensive ones, I found myself face to face with some cream that was meant to make you look younger. Being 19 at the time, I thought it would be hilarious to try some out. About two seconds after putting this stuff under my eyes I started to experience that burning sensation people often feel when they light their face on fire. My eyes began to get red and puffy and I spent the bus ride back to the moshav looking like a mother getting no sleep due to her young triplets keeping her up all night. Flash forward to today. I get a pair of these patches from “Recipe for Men” and gave it another shot. To my relief, I felt a cooling sensation. The patches are gooey and feel kind of like big slugs, to the point where I questioned if this was actually something I wanted on my face. But, after the required half hour with them on I peeled them off to reveal a more hydrated looking and feeling face. While I’m not glowing by any stretch of the imagination, it was thoroughly refreshing, and something I absolutely would not have tried without a free sample.

They're like mittens for your feet.

Nice Laundry Socks: I was given the chance to choose from a small list of items, what to recieve as a lifestyle item this month. With no hesitation at all I chose to get some new socks. I’ve been waiting for months to get a sample of socks or boxer briefs, and this was the first opportunity for such. I got two pairs of these things and they are, without a doubt, the best socks I own. They’re comfortable, soft and very durable. However, I got this package shortly before a cold snap and I’m finding out quickly that they are not particularly warm. While they would be fine most of the year, it’s currently below 20 degrees (which is intangible for someone that grew up in southern California) and my toes are a bit chilly to the point of feeling like they’re needing to be lopped off from frost bite. The colors are the best. When  

If you're interested in signing up for Birchbox click here to access my referral link! Birchbox sends you a unique box of samples every month based on your personalized profile. Men's boxes are $20 and include a cool lifestyle item. Women's boxes have no lifestyle item but are only $10 a month.


  1. Ok you sold me. I want to try the eye patches and the Body Bar!

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