Tuesday, January 13, 2015

A Farewell to Birchbox

Well my smelly colleagues, my pursuit of higher hygiene is about to take a semi-permanent hiatus. Having a $20 reoccurring fee for small bottles of potions lotions that make me absolutely irresistible to my beautiful wife is just too steep a price to pay. My limited disposable income will be better suited elsewhere. Perhaps I'll simply set aside the money for a "blogging budget" where I can spend it on things I can write about here. Regardless, unless I've screwed up the billing cycle, this will be the last Birchbox review for a while. So here it is, my January 2015 Birchbox

Billy Jealousy Fuzzy Logic Hair Strengthening shampoo

Honestly, I just got tired of typing all these long names.

The vast majority of shampoo on Birchbox is geared towards reverse hair thinning.

A legitimate picture from my Homeschool alma mater.
That's me on the left celebrating my friend's graduation from highschool a few years back. I cannot risk my hair getting any stronger. Thankfully I recieved a sample size of this, otherwise what is currently a symbiotic relationship would undoubtably turn hostile to the point where I would simply become Gossamer (google it, he's a Looney Toon because I refuse to use a "cousin It" reference. I heard enough of those serving dry turkey and boxed mashed potatoes to senior citizens ). Oh right, the Shampoo. Oddly enough, this was the first of two products that reminded me slightly of Andy's Mints. The smell was slightly more natural, as if the chocolate mint had been eaten by a pine tree that exhaled directly into your face. The texture was soft, it lathered up nicely and cleaned by hair like a shampoo should. While my hair didn't cascade into perfect waves of chocolate brown after running my hands through it, it did an exceptional job of making my hair light and fluffy, like how I've always pictured a good souffle. The sample was nice, and I love trying new hair product, but this did little to deter me from my giant Amazon bottle of Head & Shoulders.

Clean: Cologne 
Not an actual cleaner.

I mean, the name of this is just so accurate it's almost pointless to write out a whole review. This smell is to cologne what "Clean Linen Scent" is to Febreze, bread and butter (not literally, you freaks, it's a figure of speech). I've reffered to my wife's asthma issues, and this one was the worst on that front. I tried to be sneaky apply a little on my way to work. It was my first day, so I was wanting to impress you know? Well between coughs she insisted that no one else working at the door factory would care what I smelled like. While she was 100% right, I feel like it really gave me that confidential edge that's needed when starting a new job. It was a nice scent, but nothing to write home about, unless the only way you write home is through product reviews, in which case it absolutely is.

DTRT: First Thing First Facial Scrub
Ingredients: Gunmetal.

I received a DTRT facial scrub last month and it was exactly what I was looking for. So, needless to say I was surprised and confused when I received an ALMOST identical product. Same company, packaging and type of product. The difference here was that this iteration was a once weekly facial scrub. DTRT seems to have made a commitment to not feeding fish those plastic exfoliating beads that were so popular in cosmetics and 1990s design. Instead, this time they threw in some crushed up appricot seeds to do the leg work. To be honest the thing I remember most about the sample was the color. It was like a silvery gunmetal grey. I took the greatest risk you can take while washing your face; I opened my eyes. I did this to double check that I hadn't just rubbed acrylic paint all over my mind-blowingly gorgeous face. Both times I survived and saw no traces of the pigmentation residing on my hands. A real shame.

Mt. Sapola Charcoal Soap

Not for use with BBQs

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I love good bar soap. Bonus points for this being the second item to smell like chocolate mint. Oh sure, it's not the scent they were going for, but I don't hold that against them. To be fair, if Wonka's chocolate river mixed with a crest factory you might have a closer idea to the smell. Yes, chocolate toothpaste (patent pending) sounds about right. The charcoal color is something I've had issues with in the past, primarily with the dye sticking to my shower. It wasn't as big of an issue this time around, but still had residual color left where it sat. Charcoal unfortunately only refers to the color of the soap, as the exfoliation is accomplished by some kind of rice. So not only do you not get the exfoliating experience of a lifetime, but you may as well kiss that Chimney Sweep costume goodbye.

Icon Q Altos Earphones with Mic

Triangle box can also be used as a survival tool when confronted with wildlife.
This review almost didn't happen! The packaging was reminiscent of the torturous Christmas mornings where it took poor dad three hours to undo twist ties and rip open clam-shell packaging before I could play with my toys, which ultimately just ended with both of us in tears. Not only was it difficult to open, but the package was triangle. What that means is that when I finally managed to wrestly open one end of the package I may as well have opened a switch blade. This razor sharp point kept shanking my hand like he was some prison yard bully. No matter, I'll just open the other sid- DOUBLE SWITCHBLADE!!!!! The headphones sound pretty good, I mean they certainly give my beloved $10 Gummy plus headphones a run for their money. The cord unfortunately tangles a little easier than I would like. Sound is pretty great, the in-ear pieces come in multiple sizes and the mic is also a nice touch. I was eager to get a different sample this month, but now that I'm blasting Jibs "Chain Hang Low" into my cranium, I really can't complain too much.

Well, that's it for now I guess. I may return to Birchbox reviews at some point, but at the moment the cash just isn't there, or rather it's going to be reallocated to either other nerdy stuff or just food. I hope you've enjoyed this series, because it's really been a blast to write. I'm off to use up my Birchbox points on two pairs of fancy new socks.


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