This Amazon Review of Elf on the Shelf Made Me Laugh

Apparently there is a fairly common Christmas tradition called "Elf on the Shelf". The gist of the tradition is that children are told Santa sent an elf to watch them and report back about their behavior. The elf itself is a small stuffed toy that you are required to move to a different position in the house every night. The "Rules" stated in the children's book that you purchase with the elf are as follows. 

 * The children cannot touch the elf or he will lose his magic
* The elf can listen to what the children tell him, but cannot talk back, that's Santa's law.
* The elf flies back to the North Pole each night and tells Santa what he has seen - when he comes back he goes to a new spot in the house.

The children involved are also required to name the elf. A name that will stick with the elf for the duration of the tradition. It's been a long time since an Amazon review has made me chuckle the way this one did. So without further ado, a review of Elf on the Shelf by Amazon reviewer "Pi"

Comments about The Elf on the Shelf A Christmas Tradition (Blue-Eyed Boy):

So, I bought this adorable elf, whom my three precious children named "Buttface" last year at Christmas time. Before Buttface arrived in our home I was at my wits end. My children would write on the walls with markers, crayons and even oil based paints. They would swing from the light fixture above our dining room table until it finally was pulled out of the ceiling. We had been dining by candlelight even since until Joey decided to light little Jimmy's hair on fire one night as they fought over who got the red fork at dinner. We couldn't even have a Christmas tree because Jack would try and climb it, or we would catch Jimmy swinging at it's trunk with his Boy Scouts ax. I didn't blame the dear child of course, he was merely using his vivid imagination to play a game of "Lumberjack". Instead we would have the Christmas Shoe Box for Santa to put the presents in. I don't care what anyone says, it was just as festive as any old tree. Eventually though I realized that my children were not behaving in a socially acceptable way when the FBI showed up at my door because the boys had called in a bomb threat to get out of a spelling test at school. Terribly upset, I consulted my pediatrician and we both agreed that my children's behavioral issues were no fault of my own and that the ONLY solution to my discipline problems was "The Elf on The Shelf".

I brought Buttface out of his box the day after Thanksgiving. For the entire month of December Jimmy, Joey and Jack were perfect angels. Cowering in abject fear over this tiny stuffed doll they behaved as well as the baby Jesus himself. It did make for a few night time bed wetting accidents as they were afraid to get out of bed at night for fear Buttface would be lurking in the hallway. Not once did they bite the dog, cut my hair while I slept or try to hotwire the car. It was a new record in our home. We actually got to have a tree that year and I thought my parenting troubles were over!! Bless you Buttface!

However, on December 26th, giddy with all the loot Santa had bought, which was a lot since they had been so extra good with the help of Buttface, my children knew they were off the hook for the next 11 months! They were back at it again, tipping over our refrigerator, trying to bathe the cat in the dishwasher and scamming old ladies out of their retirement by claiming to be princes from Nigeria in some email scam they had running.

So, in despair, I am asking that there be an elf of this nature to spy on my children and keep them on the straight and narrow year round! I know it would make my life a whole lot easier to know that I had an inanimate object in my house that was keeping my children on the straight and narrow and could take over the parenting duties on a daily basis, not just at Christmas time. Parenting is very hard work and we need all the help we can get. If I don't have a toy such as this to teach my children right from wrong under the guise of spying on them and denying them presents if they behave badly, how will they ever learn?? Please, please, won't somebody think of the children!

Mud to Suds

I'm afraid I sometimes have a tendency to jump right into things that interest me on a whim. I have a largely unused pile crafting supplies, including  pearler beads, some accrylic paint, Mod-podge, a hot glue gun and a pair of completely unused knitting needles. Lately I jumped head first into "Magic The Gathering" which is quite fun, actually. But this tendency just caused me to pay 30 bucks to enter a 5k at the end of the month. Oh, and instead of just being a regular 5k it has a series of 17 obstacles in between the starting point and the finish line, most of which include mud pits with the occasional climbing wall thrown in.

I should let you know, I don't exercise much. So, when I signed up for this (after paying the non-refundable entry fee) I looked into the "Couch to 5k" training plans. To my dismay they all required about nine weeks of prep. I have a little over two. I attempted running a little less than a mile yesterday and collapsed when I got home, firefighting my cats in the process. I'm exited at the idea of training for something like this, and it honestly sounds like a blast, so basically you should all do it too! It's on September 23 (2012) here is the link for more information.

http://www.mudstosuds.com/

Also, here are my new kittens

Penpal

Penpal, the novel by Dathan Auerbach was originally written in a series of posts to reddit ( you can read the stories here but I would suggest you purchase a copy of the book. It became increasingly popular due to it's realism and eery, yet familiar imagery that was all too relate-able to almost anyone. It began as a series of posts that detailed creepy events from the "authors childhood". As the stories progress you learn that these spooky incidents are not at all unrelated. After reading the first three stories in one night I found something happen that hadn't happened to me in years: I couldn't sleep. It was too scary. As someone that relishes fear through literature and movies, this was a blast.

     Though not as scary the second time through (partially because I read the entire series only at nights the first time through) the novel is one of the finest examples of horror I've ever read. It isn't supernatural, it isn't overly gory or explicitly violent, however it is too familiar. The story centers around a boy as he grows up. The descriptions, the locations and the events are very familiar to anyone that grew up in North America. The author relates things that we've taken for granted such as hearing the pulse in our ears or the noises one might hear when exploring the woods. He takes these things and gives them a completely rational explanation that is more horrifying than you might expect.
   
     After encouragement from the online community, Auerback posted a proposal on Kickstarter to turn his series of terrifying short stories into a novel. His goal was met and surpassed almost immediately. The stories change very little, mostly in formatting from the web to the novel version. However there are some juicy alterations and extra tidbits in the book that were later additions. Self publishing has come a long way, and this book is a prime example of how someone's hard work can certainly pay off. This is a story that people love and voiced their desire to see it turn into something that they could support. If this sounds like something that interests you I highly recommend reading the original reddit thread (linked at the top of the post) and then buying it off amazon by clicking here. It is available as both a paperback and a kindle version.

Sea Otter Vs River Otters

It has been almost no contest in my mind that River Otters outweigh Sea Otters on the cuteness scale. That is until today. Nellie the Sea Otter has upped the ante with her cup stacking ability.

Just because this little guy (gal) is capable of putting a few cups together doesn't mean it's a landslide; all it means is that the playing field is evened out. Sea Otters won this battle, but if I keep seeing stuff like River Otters playing piano duets, we're in for one long war that I'm eager to cheer on.

Popcorn and Peril

Just wanted to give a quick announcement about a new blog I started. This will probably come off as redundant, considering my readership base is about seven people and I'm sure of those seven maybe one is unaware of this second blog I've started. However, I would like to formerly introduce Popcorn and Peril where I talk about movies. I would love for you guys to take a look and maybe leave a comment. I hope it can become a place where some of us can discuss movies. If you get a chance, take a look.

Safety Razors

For the first time since I started shaving, I switched things up a bit. I have used cartridge razors for my entire shaving career (career?). I have been incredibly loyal to the Gillette brand of razors through most of that time. Through some error, I received my first Gillette Mach III in the mail on my 17th birthday. Any man over the age of 18 will know that this was a mistake, because on your 18th birthday you receive a free Gillette razor, usually the most current model, in the mail.The Gillette marketing machine worked perfectly on me. I bought refills up until about a month ago. They worked well and were sold practically everywhere. The problem with them was this: They are expensive. Seriously, I'm sure 90 percent of guys already know exactly what I'm talking about. I started to look for alternatives after seeing this video



I signed up for this. But before receiving my first shipment I cancelled. I started reading up on old fashioned safety razors, which is what I've been using for the past 2 weeks. Let me tell you, it's been a good investment. Not wanting to drop 100 bucks on shaving equipment I didn't want, I went with some pretty basic stuff from amazon. Namely this razor handle, this shaving brush/soap/bowl combo and 100 of these razor refills. The total for all of this was about the equivalent of a four pack of Gillette Fusion blades. All the "guides" on this type of shaving suggested buying a variety pack of blades to see which ones you like, but the price was too good. I am pretty much set for the next two years. Not only does my new getup shave just as well as my fusion (pretty impressive for being on the lower side in terms of price) but it's a fraction of the price and a lot more fun to shave with. I actually get to lather up shaving cream with a brush!

Craigslist Ad

On occasion I will peruse various sections of craigslist. I have seen this ad posted multiple times over the span of many months. I had mixed reactions about the whole thing, and thought you all (yes, all seven of you) might like to see this. The reward listed was at $9,999,999, leading me to think that craigslist bounty hunting might be my calling. The ad reads as follows (copied and pasted. Also, I just noticed that the date for the original ad was back in 2006, this means that whoever posted this ad has been repeatedly doing so for the past 6 years.)

Searching for my adopted pets (In or near Whatcom County)
Date: 2012-03-06, 6:55PM PST
Reply to: your anonymous craigslist address will appear here

Back in January of 2008 I lost access to my eight cats and dog. Jeannine adopted four of my cats and my dog out to people while I was without means to stop said actions. Either from her home address on Lakeway Drive, Bellingham, or from Bellingham Veterinary off of James and Virginia streets.

I have every intention of paying exorbitant amounts of reward money for one or more of my cats.

The cats were adopted in mid January or early February of 2008

Raistlin and Protector Kitten were paired up with a family that was apparently informed of Raistlin's bladder crystal buildup and the Science Diet CD cat food he needs to eat to reduce crystals. I'm told they lived around "the lake or "a lake". Raistlin has golden eyes, darkest tabby stripes with a slightly orange underbelly and weighs 15 pounds, possibly 17 today. Raistlin has a raspy breathing habit that comes and goes, like an asthmatic.

Protector has green eyes, is natural tabby colored and 16 to 22 pounds.Both these boys are nine (11) years old.

Wallace Widget Kinky Kitty went to another family. She has a broken tail, three major breaks, hence K.K. She is nine years old and sister to the above cats and aunt to my little vvv...Wally weighs 11 possibly 18 pounds. Wally is a dark striped tabby with moon eyes and a penchant for pounding her head into any humans face. Wally is friendly to a fault and will say hello to any human and most other animals.

Lastly is little (vvv) Vquetius, a small black and white tuxedo cat that happens to be tailess. She is four years (9) old now. She is the first born to a litter of three female, tailess kittens. She tends to be a loner, not interacting with other than myself regularly. She was supposedly adopted by a circulating foster home to show children that they can be loved without a background.

My oldest is 14 now...the second generation would be 11 and the third generation is currently 9


[Serenity Calamity Trinity was my beautiful austrailian shepherd pit bull mix of about sixty pounds. Black on white with spots. Serenity has two black teardrops to the right of her right eye and a tornado/triangle of white patched upon her right flank. (UPDATE c. June 2011 MY MOTHER MURDERED HER WITH THE INHUMANE SOCIETIES HELP)

All of these animals miss me and remember me. I am willing to pay silly amounts of money to be reunited with them one or all. Please call me at (new number pending) if you can lead me to my loved ones. I'm available by phone if you contact me by email first.

P.S. animals not taken were Taniquetil, Shelby Princess Kitiara and her two daughters Kimiaquetil and Diusfrakkibbquiel. Taniquetil is a light gray on dark stripes tailess manx. Shelby is a medium shade tabby manx. Kimiaquetil is a light gray manx. Dius is a fuzzy black dust mote. Just to jog your memories if you happened to log these cats in your memory banks. Thank you. God, please reunite me.