Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Birchbox October 2014: Sports and stuff

It's that time of month again, boys and girls! Birchbox showed up in my mailbox all dressed up as a football because they teamed up with the FX show The League. This was the heaviest box I've received to date, which is mostly attributed to the fact that they literally sent me a package of rocks. The theme was something to do with being a fan of something, I think it was in relation to some sport... There really is no way to know for sure.

Birchbox sends me samples of stuff that makes me smell nice.

A very cryptic box.

The lineup (*not intended to be a sports reference)

Warning: Not for use on face.

Not complaining or anything, but I feel like they could call this thing “Baxter Box” with the amount of Baxter of California samples they send me. Again, not complaining because the vast majority of samples from this company I love. I was thoroughly ecstatic about getting another shaving cream sample, because shaving is the best especially when you use a safety razor setup. That elation was short lived. This stuff was shaving cream in the same way that sand is an asian stock exchange market. There was virtually no lather which left no reference as to where I should pass next. I’m used to a large puffy cloud on my face. It worked poorly with my shaving brush, and only slightly better when I lathered it on with my hand. I had to use far more of this sample than I wished to and on top of it all It didn’t smell nice, didn’t feel nice and I eventually just gave up in favor of my Proraso shaving cream. Needless to say I was completely devastated beyond consolation.

For the viking in your life.
Jack Black Hand Healer

I am not a not a hard man. This is a product geared towards men that, I’m assuming, are oarsmen on viking long ships or lumberjacks. I thought it worked just fine, I allowed my wife to give it a shot and she seemed to think it did the trick well enough. Slightly greasy, but very moisture rich (I think that’s a thing) it more or less worked as advertised, but wasn't anything particularly special. Again, I need to emphasize I work in an office with no windows for 10 hours a day. I am not the target demographic, maybe once I take up whaling or rock climbing or shuffle board I can give a more accurate review.

Smell like a beach bum!
Das Boom everything wash

In regards to shower gel, I’m used to scents with names like “Irish Spring” and “Activ3” that use adjectives for describing their smell that are only appropriate for catastrophic forces of nature. While I, of course, enjoy smelling like a hurricane I was given the opportunity to try something entirely new! According to the bottle I was embarking on offactory adventure that would leave me smelling of rum, smoke and dirt… roughly the same scent that a vagabond living on the beach might sport. Of course this alcoholic-tripping-in-the-dirt-after-a-bonfire scent is spiced up enough to be socially acceptable. It’s a nice all-in-one kind of deal that lathers nicely on hair and offers a unique and manly smell... I love it.

literally just rocks.

W&P Mason Stones

Three words: reusable ice cubes. The future of beverage cooling rests solely on this concept alone. At least that’s what the gift section of any department store would tell you based on the amount of whiskey stones crammed onto their crude wire shelves. Receiving a set of whiskey stones was pretty much the ideal sample. I have always been curious but never wanted to spend the money on purchasing a set. Take that with the addition that I apparently don’t have anyone in my family inconsiderate enough to purchase that particular random piece of crap as a quick gift Christmas gift for me. I should look upon that fact with gratitude and affection, but I don’t. Thankfully, Birchbox saved the day! There are a number of issues with these rocks. First and foremost, they don’t do a fantastic job of cooling down beverages. They fail at their primary directive. The second caveat is that they are rocks. Mixing that fact with a hefty dose of gravity and a close proximity to teeth certainly makes me nervous. and third, while they’re smooth, the offer little surface space making them almost useless for skipping across a pond. On the plus side they look pretty sweet. If I ever build that terrarium I’ll have a boss Stonehenge replica.

No nearly enough in this bottle for a double-pits-to-chesty.
Atelier Cologne: Absolute Santal Carmin

I think it’s become a ritualistic phase for western male adolescents to first love and wholeheartedly embrace overbearing aerosol based cologne and then slowly come to abhor it as is accustomed to nature. thanks to nostalgia we seem to have echoes of this barbaric practice reverberating into our adult lives. Such is the case with this cologne. It’s basically a less invasive version of Axe “Dark Temptation”. I mean, for all I know it could be the same thing, but due to a higher dollar amount you’re not as inclined to spray half a bottle on yourself. I don’t mind it, but my lady friend (wife) is not a fan.
It's like The one ring of the kitchen except not like that at all.
Olo's Chipotle Paste

At first I was confused. Chipotle is not generally something I would choose to rub into my hair, wash my face with or use to lather on my body. Then it dawned on me. This isn’t a cosmetic product! This is something I can eat! This is the highlight of the box, because I love food and I love spicey and I love chipotle and this was all of those things! I used it on a breakfast sandwich, making a nice smoky aioli sauce (I just put some of the paste in my mayonnaise), eggs and a turkey sandwich. This is earth shattering, and I now own a surprisingly large bottle of a product that can add “chipotle” to the name of whatever I choose to eat. It’s the kind of power I’ve always dreamed of having.

This box was packed full, which made it all that more satisfying to try everything. The biggest surprise was the Chipotle paste which is delicious. The Das Boom body wash smells like dirt in a way that I absolutely love, maybe it's due to some primal instinct that I've lost while working in an office.

Birchbox is $10 a month for Women and $20 a month for men. The men's box includes a lifestyle item, (this month was the Mason Stones). Here is my referral link and consider this my personal recommendation for a service that has introduced me to some pretty great products.


  1. Das Boom sounds great! Another well done Birch Box writeup!

  2. Thanks! It's a pretty good body wash, added it to my list of "favorites" on the Birchbox website.