Home Security

Perhaps the only somewhat logical fear I have (aside from sharks) is someone breaking into my house. Just the thought of someone being in my house with me totally unaware, or breaking in suddenly is terrifying. This fear came about, and I cannot explain why, immediately after watching the movie “Gremlins”. Throughout most of my life, I have set up little “alarm systems” to alert me of anyone's presence, usually in the form of something falling over if a window or door is opened, the idea being that I would be able to jump to action and completely disable/maim the intruder with my bare hands. However I would almost always end up scaring myself more than necessary, especially when my “alarms” tripped themselves.

Naturally, this fear kicked my mind into overdrive, and I came up with two (in my mind) very effective methods of protecting myself in the event of a break in.

Scenario one involved me spending quite a large amount of money on after-halloween sales. The idea being that I buy as much fake blood and body parts as I could afford, and turn my home into a waking nightmare. I thought through it, if I were to break into someone's house, for whatever reason, only to find that I had just broken into a human butcher shop in the vein of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" , Chains hanging from the ceiling, dismembered arms and legs strewn about, and gallons of dyed red corn starch staining the shag carpet, I would be high-tailing it out of there, stat. The upkeep would certainly be substantial, but well worth it. At least in my mind. Presenting the idea to my wife brought on a whole onslaught of objections, namely having to do with the overall aesthetics of the home. I'm not really the interior decorative type.

The second idea was much more simple. If an intruder were to breach all other lines of defenses I would simply remain calm, and act demon possessed. Laughing, talking in an unnaturally deep, raspy voice, spouting nonsense, saying I've been expecting the intruder. Again, the idea coming from putting myself in the mind of the intruder. If I were to be unfortunate enough to break into a home that was long overdue for an exorcism I would certainly think twice about my career choice to have become a burglar.

Fortunately, I've not had the pleasure of trying out either of these methods, and simply keep blunt objects within reach of my bed. Still, not terrible ideas in my opinion.