Thursday, August 25, 2011

Cover letter for Apple CEO application

To whomever makes the decisions at Apple,
My name is Daniel Robison. I believe it would be in our mutual interest to seriously consider me for the position of CEO of the Apple corporation. My superior people skills, along with a history in both customer service and personal “market research” will more than qualify me for the position. I wish to usher in something one step beyond a golden age, a rhodium or “unobtainium” age, if you will. I understand your skepticism in hiring a recent college graduate with little to no experience as a CEO of a large company, but in my defense, I once was the president of a club called “the mega monkeys”, Our club meetings consisted of the type of physical and technological activities that would be required as a CEO, namely climbing trees and talking about our favorite video game character “Mega Man”. Allow me to explain in detail why I would be the next Bill Gates of your company.
      As I stated before, I have experience, not necessarily in a CEO position, but in customer service. I worked three seasons at a county fair, during which time I served greek “food” to thousands of people. This food was enticing and delightful to the consumer, much like your gadgets and what-not, while at the same time ridiculously over-priced. I began to understand the marketing strategy of Apple during this time in my life. It's amazing how similar the business practices of a carnival food booth and a major corporation are. I feel I have completely grasped the concept of making the customer feel comfortable and happy with their purchase with one hand, while picking their pocket with the other. But it isn't just enough to sell, you have to get a strong fan base. While your fan(boy) base is already vast and strong, I believe I have the skills to maintain and even grow that base.
       I once worked at a well known body lotion store over Christmas break, and let me tell you, we sold 12 oz bottles of lotion for over 15 bucks, and people raved about it. I feel that I have the capabilities to procure and cultivate a whole new generation of fanboys. I have over 30 people following me on twitter, and if each of them invites 30 of their friends to buy an iMac, well, I think the scenario explains itself. We're looking at a increase of 100% due to my business savvy mind. My ultimate goal with this base is to create a throng of “super” fanboys that defend any action we take, as well as praise any product we produce. If all goes according to plan, I hope to be able to expand our company to more things, not just electronics. We could have our money producing horde buy fast food, I'm thinking maybe a hamburger called “iMac” (note: if I am not hired for the position, please don't steal this idea, it's mine, and I think it would be in our interest if we all remained gentlemen about independent ideas.)
       I alluded to my personal market research, allow me to explain. I had a roommate in college that would swear by his macbook. While I was much too poor to afford something that fancy, I could see that he liked it very much. I think that is the key, to find people that like Apple products. Which, according to comments on some blogs I've been reading, shouldn't be hard. Where I live it is hard to find mac users, but they're out there, we just have to believe. If hired as CEO of Apple, I intend to spend the majority of my day getting the Apple name out there, specifically in youtube comments. I figure if I spend the majority of my day watching and commenting appropriately to the content of each video, while subliminally promoting Apple products we could have a marketing home run.
      Youtube comments would just be a slice of the bigger marketing (apple) pie. I once worked as a bag boy at a large grocery store chain. I know the influence that pressure has on people. I was asked to either pay union dues or leave my job. As I was in high-school and only working about 10 hours a week, I realized the dues would be about a quarter of my paycheck. If we used similar tactics in marketing I believe we would boost sales among weak minded individuals. Our fanboys would pressure their peers into buying our products. I realize this model is very similar to your current strategy, I myself often feel foolish because the only apple product I own is a 1 gig ipod nano. I would seek to improve upon this strategy, and really bring it home by encouraging our customers to personally insult both consumers and competitors who resist us. Much like the business practices I learned from that window shade company and Christmas tree lot.


Daniel B. Robison
(Future) Apple CEO

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